As a follow up, I was finally answered on chat.
The representative was very helpful and apologetic.
After following what I assume to be loyalty "retention" procedures, my account was finally cancelled.
Maybe Adobe just doesn't assign enough people to the cancellation department, resulting in long wait times.
From my initial attempt to final result was a 2 hour process.
Frankly, I had planned to resubscribe at some point, but now I wouldn't, unless this process is improved.